Noggin

Mary Ellen loves Noggin. Well, Mommy loves Noggin. Mary Ellen doesn't have a choice. Noggin is a preschool channel that airs uninterrupted television shows, cartoons, etc., for little ones 24 hours a day. It's really a great station and on at our house all the time. We subscribe to Time Warner and it airs on channel 22. Most parents with small children know what Noggin is.

My sister, Molly, laughs at us because whenever she visits, my living room sounds like the backstage of a Backyardigans concert - or Barney, or (substitute the name of a singing dinosaur or large puppet here). Worse is that Mommy and Daddy THINK they are backstage at a Backyardigans concert and HAVE to sing every song and dance every move. We can't help it. The songs are so catchy, and on Noggin the producers air a different theme every month with a feature song to go along with that month. For example, July's theme was "Beside the Seaside" and that song was awesome! We still sing it. Last month was "Going on a Trip" and the theme song was just as catchy. I'm singing it now,

"We're going on a trip, we're going on a trip...are we there yet, are we there yet? My excitement is getting stronger. Are we there yet, are we there yet? I really can't wait much longer."

I bet many of you are now singing this song. You can thank me later.

There could be worse things to be hooked on, you might say. Or that at least this addiction has positive benefits for Mary Ellen.

Not so fast.

Many of the shows require viewer participation where the child is expected to give answers to puzzles, questions, memory games, etc. Some of these shows include Blues Clues, Dora the Explorer and Go Diego Go (mommy's favorite...the songs are fun, especially Rescue Pack). The host of the entire network is Moose A. Moose, a bright yellow character who Mary Ellen smiles at everytime he appears. Whomever illustrated Moose A. Moose is a genius. Children are drawn to him like sticky on an ice cream cone.

Moose A. Moose, along with his pal Zee (who Brannon and I can't figure out is a girl or a boy - it's really weird), also involve the viewers.

Here's the problem - Brannon and I can't help but shout out the answers. If Mary Ellen could speak, she wouldn't have a chance. No matter how hard we try to suppress it, we just have to say the answer. Worse, we shout out all the incorrect answers. We can't help it. The questions are so simple and their answers are so obvious, that we find it hilarious for some reason to say the wrong answer. Not only will Mary Ellen grow not thinking for herself, she'll grow up horribly misinformed about the world around her. She'll think a square is a circle and a dog is a bird. Conversations with her will sound a little like this:

You, "Mary Ellen, isn't that tree full of leaves beautiful?"
Mary Ellen, "Duh, trees don't have leaves. They have wheels and my Daddy walks it to work everyday."

Brannon also likes to replace words in the songs, usually to change the meaning or point of the song from something positive and educational to something negative. For example, the show "Yo Gabba Gabba" has a song about waiting your turn in line:

"You gotta stand in line...it's only fair to wait right there..."

Brannon's version is, "You gotta cut in line...it's only fair to butt in line..."

Another song includes the lyrics, "It's fun to wash your hands, it's fun to wash your hands."

Brannon's version is, "Dirty hands are fun, dirty hands are fun. We don't want to wash our hands because dirty hands are fun."

One more. This song includes the lyrics, "Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose...It's nice to win, but it's okay to lose."

Brannon's version is, "We always win. We never lose. You better win because we don't lose."

Not only are we raising Mary Ellen to be misinformed, but to also be rude, crude and to walk around with dirty hands. Authorities should not allow people like us to raise children. We should be arrested.